


Here Today -Bully Tomorrow

by DrakkenWasHere



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Buford & Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-17
Updated: 2011-05-16
Packaged: 2017-10-19 16:07:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrakkenWasHere/pseuds/DrakkenWasHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baljeet and Buford were off on their own adventure, when their fun was interrupted by none other than a newcomer named Larry. After losing bullying territory, thanks to the Bully Code, Buford goes to Phineas and Ferb for help. And hey, where's Perry? (Episode format.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mother Knows Best

"Here Today- Bully Tomorrow"

By: Snark

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own "Phineas and Ferb", nor its characters. No profit is made from this work of fiction. Any chance that the work is portraying the likeness of real people and or places is merely coincidental. My nostrils whisper to me. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you wanna- (SMACK!) , leave a comment.

~0~0~0~

CHAPTER ONE: "Mother Knows Best"

~0~0~0~

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along."

~Margaret Culkin Banning

~0~0~0~

"Car keys? Check. Purse? Check. Cell phone fully charged and ready to be answered and over used by teenage troubles? Check. Anything else you think I might need, Candace?"

Linda Flynn-Fletcher turned around after opening the door to the backyard. It was a beautiful sunny day in Danville, and the mother of three was about to go utilize it to its fullest. She and the other mothers in the neighborhood planned to go and help spruce up the park. The day before the red head had put all her flowers and gardening supplies in the car, ready to drive along to her destination. She had left her oldest child in charge. She raised an eyebrow as she was greeted by silence.

"Candace, what's wrong?"

Her daughter sighed.

"Oh, nothing," Candace began, obviously meaning it was MORE than "nothing". "Here I am, left in charge once more as you go out and do something. Then the moment you leave Phineas will be all like 'I know what we're gonna do today'. Then Ferb will be all like...well, he never really SAYS anything. But that's beside the point! The point is, then they'll actually DO the crazy scheme they have cooked up. Meanwhile, here I am, trying to bust them. I go to long lengths, calling you all day-"

"So I noticed."

Linda smirked as Candace glared.

"Mooooooom, you're not getting it! They build like rockets, temporal devices, and other things like self-throwing tomatoes!" She paused. "Well...they never did the last one. But I'm SO expecting it eventually!"

"Sometimes I wonder if i let you watch too many science fiction movies growing up."

The teenager pulled her hair in frustration.

"Uuurgh! The thing is, mom, that the moment you get home and I try to show you I'm NOT crazy...Everything magically disappears and everything is back to normal. And I'm just TIRED of it! It's days like this that I wish I could be five steps ahead of them. Smarter. Then, AND ONLY THEN, would you finally believe me!"

The older woman sighed as she put an arm around her daughter. "Is that what this is all about? You are having self-esteem issues about how smart you are? Sweetie, this is just a normal part about growing up. Trust me; you're smarter than you think."

"But-"

"You're growing up to be a beautiful and equally intelligent young woman."

"But...but-"

"Now no more taking out your self-doubts on your brothers. They're just kids having fun. If anything, you should follow their example."

"But...but...but...Moooom!"

Linda playfully bopped her child on the nose, before turning and leaving out the door.

"Good-bye, Candace. Have fun! I'll bring back pie afterwards, how does that sound?"

All she heard was groans from the other side of the door. She just smiled as she said to herself:

"Pfft. Teenagers."


	2. A Challenger Appears

"Here Today- Bully Tomorrow"

By: Snark

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own "Phineas and Ferb", nor its characters. No profit is made from this work of fiction. Any chance that the work is portraying the likeness of real people and or places is merely coincidental. My nostrils whisper to me. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you wanna- (SMACK!) , leave a comment.

~0~0~0~

CHAPTER TWO: "A Challenger Appears"

~0~0~o~

"Sometimes your closest friend is your greatest enemy."

~Jason Fong

~0~0~0~

Meanwhile, at the arcade two blocks from the Flynn-Fletcher household, two young individuals were planning out their day.

"And why can't we be playing the air hockey?"

"'Cause I said so, nerd. Everybody knows it's the shoot 'em up [games](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999743/2/Here_Today_Bully_Tomorrow) that are the besterer."

"'Besterer' isn't even a word."

"It is now."

It was safe to say that they were not Phineas and Ferb.

"Okay okay, Buford, how about we come to a reasonable compromise? We play a little air hockey, and then we play the violent games where you [win](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999743/2/Here_Today_Bully_Tomorrow)by making the poor defenseless aliens' brains explode."

The larger boy picked up the West Indian one by the collar. He got all in his face, squinting an eye threateningly, as he pulled his other arm back- ready to pummel Baljeet.

"How 'bout I compromise your face?"

Baljeet laughed nervously.

"Ahehe. You know what? I suddenly don't have the desire to be playing the air hockey anymore. How about we play that 'shoot them up' game you wanted to play?"

The bully set his nerd back down on the ground, smiling triumphantly. He [pat](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999743/2/Here_Today_Bully_Tomorrow) the dark skinned boy on the head.

"I thought you'd never ask. Ready for some fun, 'Jeet? Buford thinks that using you as practice is gonna finally get me the high score!"

"Oh, goody! It's nice to know my sufferings will come in useful! I've brought the seemingly endless supply of quarters, as you requested."

The boys walked deeper into the arcade, until they reached the very device they were looking for. "Area Not Quite 51" towered before them, looking worn from the sixteen years of use. But while it certainly LOOKED old, it still ran as beautifully as if it was brand new. Buford smiled as he walked over and grabbed both gun. He extended one gun wielded hand to his friend, beckoning him to join him. Baljeet had just taken the fake weapon, and was putting in quarters for them, when their fun was interrupted.

"And who said YOU two pipsqueaks could play MY game?"

A large figure stomped towards them. So large, in fact, that he appeared twice as wide and tall as Buford himself. At first Baljeet considered how the tyrant seemed to be shaped like a bell. But this notion was quickly drowned by terror, as he took in the threatening look. The nerd found himself ducking behind his bully in fear.

Buford, however, didn't seem so phased.

"Oh yeah? Who the heck are you?"

"The name's Gloeckner. Larry Gloeckner. Just moved here. Got that memorized?"

Buford smirked. "Right. Sure thing, LARRY. Now since I know you're new, Buford will let ya off with a warning. Be off and leave me and my nerd alone, or I'll have to get nasty. Got THAT memorized?"

"Ha. I see what you did right there. Clever."

"You really think so? I've been trying to think of how to work it in since ya said it."

"I saw. I saw. Quite funny."

"Why, thank you."

The two bullies cut their pleasantries and went back to glaring.

"Look here, small fry, I don't do well with threats. Now I'll be taking over this game." He paused. Larry grew a wicked smile as his eyes landed on Baljeet. "And in fact, I'll be taking over your bully-ee as well."

"What?"

A small crowd of people gathered around. It was a known scientific fact that people can smell the conflict particles in the air. And like magnets, they are drawn to it. No need to look this up to clarify the facts. The author would never lie to you.

The said crowd gasped.

"You heard me," Larry began, "I'm taking what's his face."

"The name's Baljeet. And really, I find it a bit unethical that you two would fight for dominance and involve me as a trophy. Don't I get any say in this?"

The two bullies shouted in unison:

"Shut it, nerd!"

Buford grabbed his own right arm, as if pulling up nonexistent long sleeves. He put up his fists, ready to duke it out. The fair skin lad pointed dramatically up at Gloeckner.

"Ovah my dead body!"

And with that, he punched the towering child as hard as he could in the stomach.

Everyone in the room gasped once more, as Larry began to laugh. Buford's punch had no effect. His arm went limply to the side, as Van Stomm was stupefied. This made it easy for the larger fiend to push him to the ground, towering over Buford.

Never before had he felt so small and powerless.

"Welp, that settles it. As it states in article G of paragraph seven of the Bully Code: 'If you get bested, all bullying rights go to the winner.' So with that, we'll be seeing you. Come on, Balfeet."

"Actually, that's BalJEEEEEET!"

Larry had suddenly picked up the Indian boy and started carrying him off, over his shoulder. Baljeet looked at Buford, pleading for help.

"BUFORD! Help me! He is taking my being away! BUFORD! …Seriously, I don't like being this high!"

It didn't take long before they were both out of sight, and Buford was just as alone as he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~0~0~0~
> 
> AN:
> 
> And here we are, getting deeper and deeper into the main plot. The Buford and Baljeet moments tend to be my second favorite part of the show. (First being the interactions between Doofenshmirtz and Perry. But to be fair, I'm sure that's everyone's favorite part of the show.) Buford and Baljeet have an interesting relationship. Bully and Nerd. Predator and Prey. Yet, they are the best of friends. They don't have anyone but the other. It's quite complexed. When I was their age, I know I never considered the people that beat me up as my best friends. I hated them. Sure, I felt sorry for them at times, and wouldn't want to hurt them…but I could never truly get rid of my hate and see past it. It's watching these two on the show that makes me want to re-evaluate my memories, and wish that I had somebody like Buford. You know, instead of the pricks I had.


	3. Finding the Achilles' Heel

"Here Today- Bully Tomorrow"

By: Snark

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own "Phineas and Ferb", nor its characters. No profit is made from this work of fiction. Any chance that the work is portraying the likeness of real people and or places is merely coincidental. My nostrils whisper to me. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you wanna- (SMACK!) , leave a comment.

~0~0~0~

CHAPTER THREE: "Finding the Achilles' Heel"

~0~0~0~

"The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out."

~Chinese Proverb

~0~0~0~

"Oh-oh! And did you see the technique behind the cutting? While it was quite impressive, it still took the lady awhile to finish. Wouldn't it be cool if somebody invented a device that could groom pets' fur in seconds? And in many styles, too!"

Phineas, Ferb, and their pet platypus were walking their way home from the groomer's. The red head child had watched Perry get washed, brushed, and his fur clipped- with interest. It hadn't taken long before he had envisioned complex plans of how to make the process faster and more fun. Think of it as a stylish boutique meets Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Man, was that kid able to dream big!

Phineas' eyes twinkled with creativity as Ferb watched. The older brother began to pet the turquoise pet he was carrying, when the Fynn child stopped walking altogether. He thrust his finger into the air, declaring their plans for the day.

"Ferb, I know what we're gonna….Say, what's that noise?"

The trio had found that they had stopped in front on the Danville Arcade. The green haired boy had sat the platypus down, as the two brothers began to search for that awful sound. They went down the alley way on the side of the building, and were stopped in their tracks.

"Buford?"

The said bully looked up from between the trash cans to see who had disturbed him. Phineas had only seen the other boy distraught one time before. And since the bigger child wasn't "sweating from his eyes", they knew it wasn't about his pet goldfish. Boy, had they never wanted to go through THAT again.

While Ferb was the first to notice that the instrument in the pale one's hands was the cause of the disturbance, it was Phineas who verbally pointed it out.

"Hey, is that a harmonica? So that's what we were hearing. Neat! Why are you playing it back here?"

"I got the blues. And shame prevents me from showing it in public. Just not my style, see?"

The Biff incident was not brought up to disprove the fact that he had publically cried in the past. The triangular shaped being decided to prod for more answers.

"Gee, what could have given you the blues so bad?"

Buford put the harmonica to his lips, prepared to rhythmically beat out his woes in a song. It quickly ended, however, when he realized he wasn't all that good with rhyming. So he shrug his shoulders and told the tale of what had seemed like so long long ago…which, in all actuality, had only been thirty minutes.

"So he took your title AND your friend away, huh? Wow, that wasn't very nice. "

Phineas stopped to consider everything he had just heard.

"Scratch the pet grooming idea from earlier. Ferb, I know what we're REALLY going to do today! We got to make Buford number one again. It's the only way to get Baljeet back, without getting anybody else hurt."

Plus, a sad Buford von Stomm was not a pretty sight to see.

"Really? You guys will help? But how am I supposed to win? It's not like I can train my muscles strong enough to cream the guy in the next eleven minutes. "

Ferb cleared his throat.

"Well, you know what they say: 'the mind is the strongest muscle of all'."

The red head nodded with agreement, realizing exactly what his brother was going for.

"Yeah! Great idea, Ferb! Who says we need to make you stronger? How about we just make you smarter!"

Buford crossed his arms and glared.

"WHAT? You want me to think? But I wanted a cool montage of me punchin' n' smackin' stuff. Maaaan, I'm not used to thinking."

"Sorry, Buford," the Flynn child began, scratching the back of his neck," it's just sometimes learning and exploiting the Achilles' heel is the only way TO win."

The bigger held his ground as he glared down at the two brothers. A minute went by, and it seemed that the geniuses weren't going to come up with a better idea. Preferably one that allowed him to get dangerous. He dropped his arms to the side, keeping up his glare.

"Well...Alright. But SOMEbody owes me a montage."

"Don't worry, THAT we can still provide."

Phineas looked around, noticing an absence.

"Heeeey…Where's Perry?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~0~0~0~
> 
> AN:
> 
> Ah, and here enters our dear main stars. Phineas' cheery optimism is quite infectious. He almost makes me want to go out and invent something. Too bad I have the building abilities of a toddler with building blocks. That is to say…none at all. Oh well, I can still have the best day ever!
> 
> …
> 
> Well, it's technically almost seven thirty at night. So, er…The best night ever? Crack out the porn, and let's do this! Woo hooo!


	4. A Platypus Doesn't Do Much

"Here Today- Bully Tomorrow"

By: Snark

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own "Phineas and Ferb", nor its characters. No profit is made from this work of fiction. Any chance that the work is portraying the likeness of real people and or places is merely coincidental. My nostrils whisper to me. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you wanna- (SMACK!) , leave a comment.

~0~0~0~

CHAPTER FOUR: "A Platypus Doesn't Do Much"

~0~0~0~

"All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant's revolving door."

Albert Camus

~0~0~0~

A block away from our main characters, a platypus stood alone on the sidewalk. To any normal person who passed, all they saw was a dumb looking creature that spent its day lazing about. An odd species of mammal that seemed to be confused to whether it was a beaver or a duck. The only mammal that could sweat milk and had venom in its claws, thank you very much. For a creature that had led many to believe that it didn't do much, he was built to have an odd sort of life.

And an odd and adventurous life it was, indeed!

The platypus focused its eyes, as he looked around to make sure the coast was clear. Finding no witnesses, Perry slapped a classy fedora over his brow. Perry the pet had easily gone into his lesser known agent persona. Lesser known, yes, for he was a SECRET agent, after all; however, the suave nature was very much his own as was his relaxed and stupid one. Both very different spectrums made up the very existence of Agent P.

Perry the Platypus went up to the nearest building and began to drum on a seemingly random sequence of bricks. After drumming out his theme song, the ground under the spy disappeared. The critter, following all laws- including gravity-, fell through the earth. He grabbed his hat, as it began to fly off his head. Down, down, down he went, zigzagging from one direction to the next. The agent even, briefly, spotted his fellow collogues (Morty the mole and Geordie the Groundhog) playing a game of poker. He tipped his hat in greeting.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Perry landed in his usual base underneath the Flynn-Fletcher household. His boss, Major Monogram, was already on the screen waiting for him. Although, the platypus seemed to have caught a bit of the conversation that wasn't meant for the likes of him.

"...You know, Carl, I'm not digging this. Not wearing pants is ONE thing, but not wearing underwear is just going too far. " He visible flinched as the chief of OWCA finally noticed the operative. "Oh! There you are, Agent P...How much of that did you hear?"

Perry was silent as he raised a brow. To be honest, he reeeeally didn't want to know.

"Enough, huh? Awkward. But nevertheless, we got a job to do. "

Carl, the intern, cut in and decided to put in his two cents.

"Actually, sir, Agent P has a job to do. Usually after he leaves you like to sit back and eat burritos while watching 'Germany's Funniest Home Videos'."

"I don't tell people YOUR business, Carl. Or should I tell people how you got turned down for a date by a guy in a dress robbing a thrift store with pantyhose on his head?"

"Hey! I thought he was a girl at the time!"

"Sure you did, Carl. Sure you did."

Perry couldn't help but silently snicker at their bickering. Although he didn't make a sound, this seemed to have somehow gotten their attention. Major Monogram cleared his throat.

"Yes. So our dear old friend Doctor Doofenshmirtz seems to be up to something. Not sure what, seeing as he recently got a restraining order on us for constantly spying on him. Seems SOMEbody got caught."

"Sorry sir."

"We were able to see his shopping list though."

He pulled out a piece of paper and began to read.

"Three hundred packs of double A batteries, two hundred pounds worth of beads., a really long piece of rope…And apparently he's out of milk."

Before his boss could tell him to "get on it", Perry was already rushing out the door. Monogram sighed.

"Ahhh, there goes the best agent this organization ever had….Welp, Carl, get out the burritos! I'm in the mood for spicy tonight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~0~0~0~
> 
> AN:
> 
> Hahaha! Being a writer is so much fun. I was waiting the whole time to get to this part. You know how you have certain gags when you first think up a story or an idea? Well, this was one of them.
> 
> Snark out, PEACE!


	5. I Know You Wanna SMACK!

"Here Today- Bully Tomorrow"

By: Snark

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own "Phineas and Ferb", nor its characters. No profit is made from this work of fiction. Any chance that the work is portraying the likeness of real people and or places is merely coincidental. My nostrils whisper to me. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you wanna- (SMACK!) , leave a comment.

~0~0~0~

CHAPTER FIVE: "I Know You Wanna- SMACK!"

~0~0~0~

"A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people"

~ Will Rogers

~0~0~0~

Candace Flynn was staring out the window while she was talking to her best friend, Stacy. The Asian was quite used to her spewing out what would seem like craziness to any normal person. And while she knew the ginger was actually telling the truth all those times she tried to bust her brothers….well, Stacy couldn't help but think that she was just a liiiiitle bit obsessed.

"I'm telling ya, Stacy, I can just FEEL them up to no good!"

Okay, maybe more than a little.

"Woah. I WOULD say that's out of nowhere, but you've been saying it over and over for like an hour now."

"Thirty seven minutes, actually. Don't be over exaggerating."

"Still. Tell me again why you feel a 'disturbance in the force'?"

Candace groaned in aggravation.

"I don't know! I can just tell. And it doesn't help that mom wanted me to watch out for them, since they should be getting home any time now. It means they're all that I can think about! ….Well, even more than usual."

Stacy sighed, knowing she'd have to make a distraction. It was usually a tactic she tried to avoid at all costs. Mostly because it left her feeling jealous and a bit grumpy. But desperate times called for desperate measures!

"Soooooo….How have you and Jeremy been?"

She had to pull the phone away before the deafening scream could affect her.

"Oh my gosh! You know how we've been dating for like forever now? Of course you do, everybody knows! Well, Quazmo magazine says it's time we take it to the next level."

The raven haired teen gasped.

"You don't mean… Don't you think you're a little too young though?"

"Why yes, yes I am. But the magazine says it's time. And darnnit, Stacy, you know we follow this thing like a holy teenage scripture. It's time Jeremy and I….Got matching rings of loooove!"

"Oh, phew, we were totally on different wave links then."

"Huh?"

Before Candace could question her BFF, she spotted her brothers (and that fat kid) pulling out tables and things out in the backyard. She glared, eyes locking onto her targets.

"Phineas and Ferb! Oooooh, they're SO busted! Call ya later, Stace, momma is in the hiz-house!"

And with that, she hung up her cell phone. The ginger rushed into the yard.

"Alright, what are you dweebs up to today? Going to shrink down so you can have an insect rodeo? Build a leaning tower of Pizza…Out of pizza? Figure out how to read minds? What-WHAT?"

Phineas turned around and smiled at his sister.

"Hiiiii, Candace! Hmm, that's a lot of things to answer at once. But okey dokey. No to the insect rodeo. Nope to the Pizza. And don't be silly, you already know Ferb can sometimes read minds."

"He can read minds?"

"Sometimes!"

Candace locked eyes with Ferb. All he did was blink.

"Creeeeepy. Fine, then what ARE you doing today? Something bust-worthy, perhaps?"

Phineas thought it over.

"Well, I wouldn't know if it's something you could bust us for. You think mom would care that we're tutoring Buford to try and make him smart enough to win against an even bigger bully?"

The red head teen scoffed.

"Ha! If you can make that loser Einstein, then you might as well start calling me Franaldo the Clown."

Buford turned around from his books and glared.

"HEY! I'm right here!"

Phineas laughed and shook his head.

"Haha! Weeeeeell, I don't think we're aiming that high. Or that low, deepening on your view of the guy. Did you know that Albert Einstein failed high school math?"

Candace rolled her eyes.

"Pfft! Who hasn't failed high school math?"

"Touche! Good thing we aren't planning on teaching him math then, eh?"

"So….this is REALLY all you guys are doing back here…Reading books?"

"Yep, pretty much!"

The older Flynn scowled down at her brothers, before starting to walk back into the house.

"Fine! But I'm keeping my eyes on you. I know you guys; you CAN'T keep it that simple. And when you slip up…I'll be there to tell mom. Candace is out, PEACE!"

And with that, she slammed the door.

"Geeze, "Buford said, "It's time like this I feel sorry for you two."

Before Phineas could reply, a familiar face popped up behind the fence.

"oh, Hi Isabella!"

"Hi Phineas! Whatcha dooooin'?"

"Just about to tutor Buford in a fun montage. Wanna help?"

"Sure! I'd love to! I play a mean 80's themed beat."

Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella all sat at the table the larger boy was at. They each grabbed a book on a different subject.

"Cool! Let's get educational!"

~0~0~0~

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

oh yeah baaaaaabeeeeeeeh~

If you see a faded siiiiign by the side of the rooooad that says

training is for dummies. All you need is a- SMACK!

All you need is a - SMACK!

A Good- SMACK! yeeeeah

but violence is not the rooooad to goooo

train up your brain n' put on a good shoooow

Heading for the win, put-on a good shoooow,

I got me a braaaain, it's as big as a whale

…But not literally

Trust us, it's better than a good- SMACK!

Better than a good- SMACK!

Better than a good- SMACK! yeeeeah

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

oh yeah baaaaaabeeeeeeeh~

Sign says.. Woo... stay away fools,

'cause brain powers better than a gooo-oo-ood- SMACK!

Well it's set way back in the Frontal lobe,

Reasoning over a good - SMACK- to get 'Jeet back!

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

I know you wanna-

SMACK!

oh yeah baaaaaabeeeeeeeh~

But it just isn't the way to go

Do you hear meeeeee?

("Yeah, I hear you.")

Do you hear meeeeee?

("YES! I heard you the first time! Move on before i gotta pummel ya, got it?")

But it isn't the way to go

Brain Power is a lil' ol' thing we can use toooogeeeetherrrr~

Oooooh yeaaaaah.

Good- SMACK!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~0~0~0~
> 
> AN: Wow…That song is still quite embarrassing. LOL. I hope it's obvious that I based this off of "Love Shack". I think the one I have is the party remix that B-52 did.
> 
> Anywho, yet another chapter done! I hope it was just as enjoyable to read, as it was to write.


	6. Jump Rope Isn't Girly

"Here Today- Bully Tomorrow"

By: Snark

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own "Phineas and Ferb", nor its characters. No profit is made from this work of fiction. Any chance that the work is portraying the likeness of real people and or places is merely coincidental. My nostrils whisper to me. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you wanna- (SMACK!) , leave a comment.

~0~0~0~

CHAPTER SIX: "Jump Rope Isn't Girly"

~0~0~0~

"As far as I'm concerned, being any gender is a drag."

~Patti Smith

~0~0~0~

 **Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporateeed!**

Perry the Platypus found himself at the lair of his arch-nemeses in no time at all. He put his jetpack to the side, as he began to stealthily look through the window. There was the evil Doctor Doofenshmirtz with his robot lackey, Norm. They seemed to have been arguing in the middle of the room. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to catch them off guard, Perry smashed through the window. He did a backflip into the room. Once he hit the ground, the semi-aquatic mammal grabbed his hat from the air and gracefully put it on his head.

If there were judges, they'd give his performance a perfect ten.

The German scientist was the one to actually throw the turquoise platypus off-guard. Instead of anger or surprise, he seemed ecstatic. Doofenshmirtz clapped his hands together joyfully.

"Oooooh, Perry the Platypus! You came just in time! You see, Norm and I were trying to play a game of double-dutch."

"Hi, I'm Norm!"

"Oh, shut up. Thing is, you kinda need more than two people to play. How about you jump right in the middle so we can start our game?"

Perry glared before raising a brow.

"What? You think I'm trying to trap you?"

He nodded.

"Oh, where is the trust, Perry the Platypus? Can't I just be trying to relive some of the rare happy childhood memories that I have? Fine, fine. How about this then…YOU hold these ends and I'LL jump. That way, if it IS a trap, then I'll get caught. Sound good?"

This seemed to cure the animal's doubts, as he walked over and grabbed both ends of the beaded ropes. The shopping list did start to make a bit more sense from seeing Doofenshmirtz play. And besides, even his boss admitted they didn't really know what the scientist was up to.

"Oh goody! Okay I'm standing in the middle. Riiiiiight here. "

Norm responded in his overly friendly voice.

"Swing it now?"

"No no! Wait for my signal! "

He began to count.

"Oooooone…..Twoooooooooo….NOW!"

Perry just started to swing the ropes, when they attacked him. He was blinded by red and greens, as the jump ropes seemingly turned into snakes. In a matter of seconds, Perry the platypus was tied up and hanging from a pipe from the ceiling.

Oh great, it WAS a trap.

"Hahaha! Ooooh man, you should see the look on your face! Priiiiiiceless."

Doofenshmirtz wiped a tear from his eye.

"I see you're all tied up and ready to go! You know, some people are into that."

Silence.

"Aaaanyway, I'm guessing you're wondering what the whole scheme is. Yes? Well, it all started back in my youth. Back in Druelselstein, during the time both my parents forced me to wear dresses…You remember that story, right? It was after my brother, Roger, was born. "

More silence.

"Huh…you not talking makes it hard to tell if you actually DO remember. No matter, I'm assuming you do. Well, when I was an innocent and a more adorably marketable self, I used to love jump roping. Sure, people made fun of me because it made me seem even moooore girly. Wearing a dress REALLY seems to question your masculinity. But I didn't care; I was too busy having fun! And in my village of Gimmelschtump, I was the best at it. Oh yeah, Perry the Platypus, you're looking at a thrice annual winner of the Renenstimp Jump Roping competition. Didn't know that, did ya?"

Perry rolled his eyes, not impressed.

"Oh, what do YOU know? Thing is, I had actually entered four years in a row. But the last year I had jumped rope soooo fast, I somehow got whiplash from it. Had to wear a neck brace for a whole month and everything. And let me tell ya, not only did it REALLY hurt, but it….How do you say….Well, it just didn't look flattering with my frills either.

"Back to present day. You see, that was the last time I ever played my beloved game again, for fear of getting whiplash. But no more! "

The scientist started walking over to the table at the other side of the room; he picked up and put some strange mechanical gloves on his hands.

"That's where these babies come in. While I really miss it, I also don't want to be made fun of either. You know, being called a sissy and all just seems to ruin your reputation. So I decided to mix my two loves: jump roping and eeeevil. And with that, I made…THE JUMP-ROPE-INATOOOOR!"

Again, Agent P was not impressed. If anything, the platypus was beginning to grow bored.

"Oh, what, It's more than just gloves. These are just to control my Jump-rope-inator. Seriously, didn't you notice the giant hands and rope floating over the city? Seriously? …Even I'M not that oblivious.

"No matter. You see, while I'm fulfilling my playful urges, the giant hands and rope are going to squish the Danville Jump Rope Factory. Thus saving face in the evil community. You see, Perry the platypus, squishing the factory…well, that's what we call iiiirony."

Doctor Doofenshmirtz grin turned more devious as he began to walk menacingly closer to the helpless semi-aquatic mammal.

"And with YOU tied up and out of the way, there will be no one to stop me! Muhahahahahaha!"

The scientist laughed evilly over the trapped creature. Was this it? Was Doofenshmirtz finally going to succeed with one of his diabolical scheme? All hope seemed lost…

"Hi, I'm Norm!"

"Oh, shut up!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~0~0~0~
> 
> AN:
> 
> LOL. Wow…that's a lot of exposition. Dang, Doof, you talk enough for a whole crowd of people. Welp, this was another fun chapter. But for some reason I didn't feel motivated to finish it. I think it was because issue twelve of the Darkwing Duck comic was a real mood killer. Completely bummed me out. Ian Brill, you suck ass. CURSE YOU IAN BRILL! You can't write, and you kill the writing of others. I shall have my revenge!


	7. I Think Therefore I'm Not

"Here Today- Bully Tomorrow"

BY: Snark

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own "Phineas and Ferb", nor its characters. No profit is made from this work of fiction. Any chance that the work is portraying the likeness of real people and or places is merely coincidental. My nostrils whisper to me. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you wanna- (SMACK!) , leave a comment.

~0~0~0~

CHAPTER SEVEN: "I Think Therefore I'm Not"

~0~0~0~

"However brilliant an action may be, it should not be accounted great when it is not the result of great purpose."

~ Duc de La Rochefoucauld

~0~0~0~

Meanwhile, back in the backyard of the Flynn/Fletcher household, Buford closed his book in frustration.

"GRR! This ain't working!"

The sudden break from the silence startled the others. However, Phineas was the first to recover as he thoughtfully considered the bully's words.

"Hmm, yeeeah. I guess eleven minutes isn't enough time to train your brain either. Good thing we always have a backup plan! Ferb, if you please."

The older of the two brothers dug into his pants pocket, searching for an unknown object. In seconds he was pulling out a remote and pushing the giant single red button. Gears whirled and clanked as a hole in the yard began to form. Rising up on an elevator was something that caused Isabella's jaw to drop.

"Um, Ph-Phineas…What's THAT?"

Sitting in the middle of the yard was an old fashion electric chair. The very same and horrid invention used for lights out for many criminals and naughty people. It was quite natural that it would make anyone nervous.

Phineas Flynn laughed.

"Haha! Oh, don't let the look of it fool you. The design is just Ferb's quirky sense of humor. It's really harmless. No, we call this our 'Brain Charger'. We made it earlier."

Buford glared.

"Wait…then why didn't we just use this darn thing in the first place?"

The boys fidgeted.

"Weeeeell…To be honest, we kinda consider it cheating. Where is the fun if you take the easy way out?"

"So does that mean I'll be as smart as that light bulb guy?" Van Stomm paused. "Einstein did invent the light bulb, right?"

Ferb cleared his throat.

"Well, technically 'no' on both accounts. Edison creating the light bulb, and that we didn't see the logic in using the level of a physicist. "

The red head nodded eagerly in agreement. "Yeah, we doubted Einstein got into many fights anyway. No no, this thing isn't going to install the brain waves or thinking power of anybody. You will still be yourself. All it does is make it possible for the circuitry in your brain to make connections faster. "

"Say that in English, Dinner Bell."

"Um…that WAS in English. Maybe it's just better to demonstrate? Sit on down!"

Before the bully could argue, Phineas and Isabella led him into the chair and strapped him down. It was then that Buford started to sweat and second guess his decision. The red head put the helmet over the larger boy.

"This miiiight start to feel hot. We had to use parts from Candace's old Not–So-Easy-Bake Oven."

The moment the devise was places on Buford's head, the machine started to light up. And each second the helmet started getting warmer and warmer. In a matter of seconds the process was done. The Brain Charger dinged with completion.

"How do you feel?"

"Well, I don't think I feel smarter."

The female tilted her head.

"Does that mean it doesn't work? Maybe we should test him."

"Yeah, good idea!" Phineas smiled. "Buford, you're a bully…where would you take Baljeet?"

Buford was able to answer instantly.

"Slushy Dog. Tuesdays are 'Root Beer Bonanza' day. With every slushy dog you buy, you get a free root beer soda. I usually make 'Jeet buy me three or four of those suckers." He gasped. "Hey! It worked!"

"Great! Let's go to the mall to rescue our buddy then!"

As the gang was leaving the yard, the bully gave one final remark:

"Alright, but I'M leading this thing. It's MY rescue mission… And it ain't a rescue mission, it's revenge!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~0~0~0~
> 
> AN:
> 
> Oh Buford, it's okay to care enough for somebody to want to rescue them. Admit that you are just an Ogre in shining armor trying to rescue his prince! ADMIT IT! …Or not. Meh. Anyway, I have no idea why I imagine Ferb having a bit of a dark sense of humor. Did he have one in the show? Maybe it's just because all my British friends I had seem to enjoy dark humor. Who knows!

**Author's Note:**

> ~0~0~0~
> 
> AN:
> 
> And a short first chapter. Trust me, this part will make much more sense later on. Or, at least, feel like it's more attached to the story. Muhahaha?
> 
> You know…This scene was actually quite fun to write. There is something just magical about a mother finding their daughter a bit paranoid, obsessed, and insane. Almost reminds me of my relationship with my mother. Accept I'm more respectful to my momma than Candace is. I'm just saying.


End file.
